What Really Happened, 4 July, 2009:

Spent most of the 4th relaxing and being lazy. I decided that no one wanted to hang out with me because no one had called me or sent me a text about plans for the holiday. Talked to Mike, he was being a dick about everything and I don't know why. Probably had something to do with his stupid girlfriend who is totally into dudes, not other girls.

At this point in the day, it was early evening, I decided to contact both Jared and Barry. This is where it gets interesting. Jared said he would come over and Barry said that the rumored dinner party and the Phoenix Park Apartments that he manages was going to happen. How exciting! Mike forgot our chairs from our apartment because he was too busy being a dick, so I had to bring them. Then I left before Jared got to my place and called and told him to meet me at the Phoenix Park Apartments.

The Phoenix Park Apartments are luxurious and expensive. You could never hope to afford living there, but I can.

When I arrived, I used the building code, which I have but no one else does because I am both trustworthy and professional. I brought in the chairs and then surveyed the spread that Barry and his longstanding mistress, Jess, had prepared. It looked delicious.

After a few minutes, Jared, Luke and his maidservant and their lovechild, Noah, arrived as did Mike and his gf and her friend Sarah. When they arrived we had already begun to bring the wonderful food and alcoholic beverage selection to the spacious and regal third floor unit from which we were to view the fireworks.

Then Dan, Kris, Colin, Laura, and some other hussy showed up. It was now a full-on, invite-only private dinner party. I ate most of the food and thought not of any but myself and devoured delicious item after delicious item.

There were both soft and hard shell tacos, barbacoa, freshly chopped lettuce, chives, tomatoes, black olives, freshly shredded cheese, sour cream that had just been opened, watermelon, store bought and packaged sugar cookies with patriotic colored sprinkles, as well as various beverage choices. Sipmply magnificent!

The fireworks were thundreous and worth every moment I spent savoring both their majestic power and unwavering symbolism of FREEDOM. God bless America!

I found at that Colin is afraid of heights, much worse than I am. Sarah kept sitting on me, gross. Mike and his gf kept acting like a couple and it made me want to vomit. The others had already begun to filter out after the fireworks display and Jared was so sickened by Mike that he actually left because he did vomit at the thought of how disgusting Mike and his gf are.

I received several calls and many more texts from other people who know that I am both attractive and intelligent, therefore making me popular by default. They all wanted to shower me with their attention in hopes that in some small way I may, in the future, perhaps give them a dollop of the same in return. They were not so lucky.

I was at a private dinner party.

Yeah, that happened.